


Debate Exposes Doubt

by Giantnarwhal



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Hux is Not Nice, Infidelity, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, M/M, Maybe - Freeform, Mental Health Issues, Past Suicide Attempt, Poe just wanted to help, Unrequited Love, share my pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-10
Updated: 2018-04-10
Packaged: 2019-04-21 05:32:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14277966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Giantnarwhal/pseuds/Giantnarwhal
Summary: He feels guilty after the words leave his mouth. Leia recoils, as if she was physically struck by his admission.“I just needed to know what it feels like to feel again.”





	Debate Exposes Doubt

The Base is unusually quiet as Kylo slides into his corner booth, scanning the area before tucking into the book he’s currently devouring. The bar was located in an area with many office buildings, so empty booths are unusual on a Friday night. As usual Poe, the bar owner and one of the bartenders, wastes no time in approaching him with a pint of beer, walking over with a smile on his face.

 

“So, what’s it now this week?” Poe asks, looking at the cover of Kylo’s book. Spaceships litter the front of it, set against the black, star-speckled background of space.

 

“Star Wars. I’m at the seventh installment now,” Kylo replied, putting the book down trying to keep an easy smile on his face to match Poe’s. He was about to hand Kylo the glass when he holds his hand out to stop Poe.

 

“Can’t drink for now, they have me on these new meds and it interacts with alcohol,” Kylo explains, to which Poe gives a sympathetic nod.

 

“I’ll serve you up some iced tea then.”

 

“Yes please.”

 

The bartender was an old friend of his, stuck together since high school. Poe decided to not go to university while Kylo pursued a degree in architecture. He graduated as Poe was dreaming up The Base, wanting to use the fortune that befell him upon the sudden death of a wealthy aunt that favored him.

 

Kylo helped him with the design and after a year of planning and filing numerous permits, plus several months of construction, the bar was completed. Poe assured him his own spot at the bar, and it remained mostly unused until Kylo’s accident.

 

_The smell of burning rubber hits him, and he comes to meters away from his car. He panics as he realises he can’t see through his other eye, put as he puts his hands to his face they come away bloody. He can’t move, and as the shock wears off he feels the source of his immobility. Searing pain crawls up his broken leg as he tried to brace it to the ground—_

 

Kylo absentmindedly scratched at the scar on his face, slashing through his brow, down his cheek and stopping at his jaw. He knew Poe was keeping tabs on him for his parents, who hasn’t trusted him ever since they got that call from the hospital a year ago. He’s still mad at them for bringing his friends into this, making them play babysitter as if Kylo suddenly lost the ability to take care of himself. He knows Finn and Poe’s friendly crash-ins to his apartment was more than just them missing their old friend.

 

He hears them while he’s on his desk, drafting for his clients. While Finn’s cooking up whatever he has on the fridge, Poe’s snooping about, checking for any of his ‘red flags’, like broken furniture, smashed mirrors, and bloody tissues in the garbage bin. He lets them do it only for the fact that he knows it’ll turn worse if he freaks out and shoos them away. Kylo has enough on his plate to make his anxiety medication really work for it, and he doesn’t need his parents and friends adding to the stress.

 

Poe returns after talking with Finn at the counter with Kylo’s drink. Kylo thanks him and Poe responds with his signature smile before leaving him alone to tend to the other patrons. Kylo opens his book again, and tries to get himself to relax.

 

He’s halfway through his iced tea when he notices a tall man entering the bar.

 

Kylo’s breath catches.

 

The man was striking, suited in deep navy that plays off his eyes well and sets his copper hair alight. He immediately goes for one of the barstools at the counter, and signals Finn for his order.

 

“So, gingers huh?” Poe whispers, jolting Kylo out of his haze. He’s leaning on Kylo’s booth, giving him a smirk that lets him know how transparently Kylo was checking the suited man out. Suddenly the smirk turns into a very troubling grin. Kylo’s eyes widen and he tries to reach for Poe, who evades his grasp.

 

“Poe, don’t—!”

 

“Come on, I’ll set you up. Check to see if he’s looking for some fun tonight. You deserve to blow off some steam, buddy.”

 

_Fucking Poe Dameron._

 

Poe walks behind the bar and gives Finn a little pat, signalling his turn for waiter duty. Kylo watches in horror as Poe leans in towards the redhead and starts speaking to him. From his view Kylo can see the man tilting his head slightly at Poe’s words. Kylo’s heart then plunged down to his stomach as Poe pointed directly at his booth, the redhead’s eyes following his index finger.

 

Their eyes meet.

 

_Oh no._

 

The man smirks and Kylo feels his cheeks heat at the attention. He gives Poe a small smile and starts walking towards his booth, sliding across Kylo. Those eyes were even more devastating up close, and the little quirk of the man’s lips makes Kylo lick his own in response.

 

“The bartender noticed my lack of company and was suspiciously quick to suggest you as a suitable partner for a bit of friendly conversation. I’m Hux,” the man says by way of introduction.  
  
Hux held out a hand and Kylo shakes it politely.

 

“Kylo, and please remind me to punch that bartender in the face before I leave.”  
  
Hux lets out a little laugh as he gestures at the booth, asking permission to sit and join him. Kylo nods and Hux settles to sit across him.

 

“Kylo, then. What does one usually do around this area for fun? I’m just here for a couple more weeks and it’s back to London for me, but I wouldn’t want this business trip to be a hundred percent work. I think that would drive even me into insanity.”

 

“Well you’ve come to the wrong place. The only interesting thing within a twenty mile radius is The Base, and even then it’s mostly dead when it’s not Friday or the weekend,” Kylo replies.

 

“Now I wouldn’t say the bar is the only interesting thing in the area, but maybe it’s just me.” Hux looks at him directly then.

 

_Wow, so we’re not doing subtle tonight. Two can play at that game._

 

Kylo meets his gaze, tongue darting out to lick at his bottom lip. He catches Hux glimpsing down for a split second.

 

“It’s not just you, but far more interesting things do come into the Base now and again.”

 

He isn’t used to playing this game, but the way Hux positively grins at him tells Kylo that he said something right. The air suddenly felt heavy and Kylo’s sure it’s making him breathe harder.

 

“Do you want to go out for a smoke?” Hux offers.

 

_Yeah, good idea. Maybe that would keep me from vibrating out of my skin._

 

“Sure, let me just fix my stuff.”

 

Kylo puts his neglected book back into his messenger bag and follows after Hux.

 

* * *

 

A chill has properly settled in as they were well into the night, and Kylo was grateful for the warmth that the cigarette brings into his lungs with every inhale, spreading throughout his body. Hux is standing beside him, leaning against a lamp post with the cherry of his cigarette illuminating his features. He’s looking at Kylo, regarding him.

 

“I’m not gonna be polite and pretend the question isn’t nagging me. What happened to your face?”

 

_He cries, not because of the pain, but because he failed._

 

_‘You can’t even die properly, you idiot,’ he thinks. That crash should’ve killed him, the ditch was deep enough and it was notorious for the grisly accidents that befell anyone who wasn’t careful enough._

 

_Kylo closes his eyes as he hears the sirens wail from a distance._

 

“Car accident. There’s a dangerous pass in my hometown and I guess I got so used to navigating it I became overconfident.”

 

Kylo bows his head slightly, shaking a few locks of hair down to cover the scar in question. As he looks down he sees a pair of chelsea boots, and a hand appears to gently nudge at his chin. He lets Hux tilt his head up, and Kylo’s pinned by his gaze, seeping down to his bones in a way the nighttime bleakness can’t.

 

“Bashfulness doesn’t suit you, darling. You look striking, with or without the scar.”

 

“The way you’re saying that makes me think that you have an ulterior motive,” Kylo jokes, not wanting to dwell on the compliment for too long.  
  
“With the way that handsome bartender is talking about you, I’d say our goals are in alignment.”  
  
Hux steps closer, their breaths fogging up and vanishing together. The hand on Kylo’s chin moves down, fingers tracing the column of his neck and coming to rest over his heart. Hux’s eyes flick occasionally from his Kylo’s own down to his lips.  
  
_Why do I feel like I’ve known you for a long time?_  
  
Kylo raises his hand and puts it over the one Hux has on his chest. A sudden burst of confidence makes him lean ever so slightly down and brush his lips against Hux’s ear.  
  
“So where do you suggest we take this little engagement of ours?”

 

Hux leans forward and catches an earlobe between his teeth, not wanting to be outperformed. The hot flash of the bite chased by the cold night air sends Kylo reeling.  
  
“Let’s go back to my hotel.”

 

* * *

 

The walk back to the hotel was pleasant, with Hux talking about his company, which deals in acquiring abandoned property to develop, and Kylo’s career as an architect. They take turns talking about mundane details about their lives, and they were just getting into a discussion on dog breeds when the hotels comes into view.  
  
“No way Greyhounds are better than Akitas! They look like they’ve never had a full meal in their life.”  
  
“They’re elegant, and I’ll have you know that Millicent has been well-fed ever since I rescued her. What is about Akitas that won you over, though?” Hux asked, sharing little tidbit about his beloved greyhound.

 

“Loyalty, for one. That Hachiko story has me in tears every time I hear it.” Kylo admits, a bit sheepish about how much of a soft spot he has for the breed.

 

Hux smiles at Kylo’s words, and as they approach the hotel entrance the mood changes abruptly.

 

“Come up with me?” Hux holds out his hand.  
  
Kylo smiles, and covers Hux's hand with one of his own.

 

They’re not even over the threshold of the Hux’s doorway and Kylo’s shirt is already halfway off his body.

 

“We should close the door before we give the other guests a show,” Kylo joked, kicking the door behind him. He takes a quick look around the simple yet beautifully appointed room, warm muted earth tones contrasted by metal furniture. Hux shakes him out of his observation with a sharp nip at his bottom lip, the sting sending shockwaves throughout his body. Kylo dives to reciprocate, the heat between their bodies rising as they join, part, and join again at the mouth.

 

Kylo pulls back to stare at Hux’s nearly luminescent eyes, the hunger in them mirroring his own. Hux hooks his fingers into the the belt loops of Kylo’s jeans and walk him backwards to the bed. He turns Kylo around, and as the bed hit the back of Kylo’s knees they fall into each other.

 

* * *

 

 

Hux pushes into him, none too gently. The sweet burn of it makes Kylo’s legs wrap around Hux’s hips tighter. He closes his eyes as memories spring unbidden from his mind.

 

_Kylo takes a deep breath and as he nears the edge, he starts unbuckling his seatbelt_

 

“You’re gorgeous like this, darling,” Hux says, only the slightest tremor in his voice. His hand is searing against Kylo’s hip, and Kylo can do nothing but hold on as Hux sets a brutal pace.

 

_He presses the gas pedal all the way down, the engine making a sound of protest as it gets pushed to its limit._

 

“Hux… Hux I’m close,” Kylo manages to gasp out, and subsequently keens as Hux starts to roll his hips, slowing down but each stroke presses into his prostate. Kylo’s fingers are itching to claw at Hux’s back, a retaliation for the pleasure Hux is giving him. As if reading Kylo’s mind, Hux raises the hand on Kylo’s hip and squeezes one of his wrists, hard.

“No marks,” Hux hisses. Kylo cries out as the pain sweetened everything else he’s feeling.

 

_He passes the clearly placed warning sign, and there’s no turning back, even if he held back the momentum will carry him off the edge._

 

Kylo can feel Hux losing his rhythm, stuttering as he chases his peak inside Kylo. He helps them both along by bringing himself down to connect with Hux’s thrusts. Hux moved into Kylo one last time and stilled, latching his mouth onto one of Kylo’s shoulders and biting down hard. Kylo shouts and his hand reaches down to grasp his cock, adding more to the almost unbearable mix of pain and pleasure.

 

_At that moment everything comes to a head. Kylo feels free, lighter than he ever felt in his life._

 

_The car crashes past the barriers and tumbles off the edge. A sound escapes his lips, one of pure terror and joy._

 

Kylo lets go.

 

* * *

 

The noise of someone bustling through their morning routine slowly rouses Kylo from his slumber. He yawns in contentment, feeling sated and sore. Kylo’s movement alerts Hux that he’s finally awake.  
  
_How long has it been since I didn’t dream of that night?_

 

Not that he’s complaining. A good night’s sleep has been too few and far in between for Kylo. Hux looks at him in amusement as he slips a belt through his tan slacks. Kylo admires the man from his vantage point, strikingly handsome in a crisp white polo tucked into his pants. The top three buttons of the shirt are undone and the creamy sliver of skin peeking through sends a little shot of warmth through Kylo. He has to give it to Poe, sometimes he has the best ideas, though Kylo won’t admit that out loud anytime soon.

 

_Two more weeks he says? I guess that’s more than enough time to get whatever this is out of my system._

  

Hux grabs something from the nightstand and slips it on. A flash of gold hits the sunlight and Kylo has to squint a little at the glare.

 

Hux put on a gold band on his left ring finger.

 

Kylo feels like he’s been submerged in freezing water.

 

“You’re married.”  
  
He shouldn’t be this upset, having only met the man less than twelve hours ago.  
  
_But he’s made me feel alive, much more than anything else._

 

“You have a problem with that? Some people find it thrilling.”

 

Kylo hates that the words ring true in his ears. This man has a partner waiting for him somewhere and he chose to go behind their back for Kylo. He throws Hux’s words back at him, voice sounding hollow as the static comes back to overwhelm him.

 

“You find it thrilling.”  
  
Hux looks at him at the accusation with that incessant little smirk of his, and slowly walks over to the bed. He sits by Kylo’s leg, and places his damning left hand on Kylo’s bare knee.

 

“I do, and I plan on seeing you again before I go back to my loving wife--”  
  
Kylo turns away at the mention of his wife, but Hux continues.  
  
“--and I hope you’re agreeable to that. For now I fear I have to let you out of my room. I have a couple of meetings today and it’s almost time for me to leave. I was hoping we could’ve had more time this morning...”  
  
The hand on Kylo’s knee starts to slide up his thigh, and Kylo lunges up to slap Hux in the face.  
  
“Fuck you. You’re scum and your wife deserves better,” Kylo spat out, venom dripping from each word. The slap was only to mask the arousal that stirred within Kylo at Hux’s touch. Hux only raised his hand on the abused side of his face and laughs darkly, quickly sobering.  
  
“That she does, but she doesn’t know that, does she?” Hux says quietly, looking away for a moment.

 

_Oh god, you really care for her._

_You’re a monster. We’re both monsters._

 

“Why me?” Kylo’s almost afraid to ask. Almost.  
  
“You’re disgusted by me yet you seek to know what makes you special enough that I chose you. What if I say that nothing in particular stood out about you, and I just wanted a warm body to sink into?”

_You’re nothing special, and now you’ve humiliated yourself._

 

Hux is staring at him now, seeming to glean what’s going through Kylo’s mind.  
  
“I would be lying if I said that, though. You’ve already captured me even before that bartender pimped you out.”

Silence follows Hux’s words, both not knowing how to go forward from what was said. Kylo then rose, bringing the sheets with him as he picked up his clothes.  
  
“I should go.”

 

Hux nods at that, not quite looking at Kylo. He dresses in silence while Hux steps outside the balcony for a quick smoke. As they both finish, they head out to door together. Hux puts his hand on the doorknob, and looks at Kylo, that not-smile back on his lips.  
  
“Thanks for the company, darling.”

  
Kylo heats up at the endearment, and crowds Hux against the door.  
  
“You don’t get to call me that, Hux. You’re a piece of shit and I wish this never fucking happened.”

 

_Lies._

 

Kylo opens the door at that, shoving Hux out of the way and walking away without looking back at him.

 

* * *

 

Sunday afternoon finds Kylo sprawled on top of Dr. Unamo’s large fluffy couch. He was a anxious the whole day waiting for the appointment, afraid of how his therapist will react to his current predicament.

 

_Not current. It’s over and we’ll never see each other again._

 

It wasn’t as if he couldn’t avoid his appointment so he just gritted his teeth and headed to Dr. Unamo’s office. After an exchange of formalities, they began. The psychiatrist sat across him, notebook and pen in hand as Kylo started out with how they met at the Base and how the night spiralled from there.

 

“So how was he? You don’t have to answer if you’re not comfortable in discussing more.”

 

“He was… ok, but I don’t think I’d continue seeing him, even for something casual.”  
  
“Why not?”  
  
“He’s married, for one, and he hid that from me until after we fucked.”

 

Kylo learned long ago that to get through a session with Dr. Unamo was to be just as honest as possible. The psychiatrist had a way of seeing right through any lies and she manages to get to the truth anyway, so there’s no sense in wasting both their time and energy. He’s been with her ever since the crash, and for as much as he resented the mandatory assignment, he felt at ease talking to her. After the required hours of therapy were fulfilled he still continued their sessions.

 

To his amusement his psychiatrist raised an eyebrow at his bluntness, rarely showing any reactions to even the worst of his outbursts.  
  
“So how did you feel after you found out that he’s married?”  
  
_I felt wanted. I felt that I was worth a little risk._

 

“Disgusted, of course.”  
  
_At myself._

 

He knows he didn’t way what he thought out loud but it was there for both of them to hear.

 

“You shouldn’t blame yourself, Kylo. That man was manipulative and he purposefully hid that from you to get to what he wanted. You said he was just visiting here?”

 

“Yeah, I think he just has some business he and he’ll fuck off back to London.”

 

Dr. Unamo smiles at that, soft and reassuring, calculated to placate any distress. It soothes Kylo a bit, because the smile is still genuine.

 

“Then let’s try to get this whole incident behind you. It’s a good thing you won’t see him again. Kylo, you’re strong, and there’s no shame in what you did since you weren’t fully aware of the circumstances. It’s all Hux’s fault, do you understand?” she reassures Kylo, staring at him to assess his response.

 

_I won’t see him again._

 

“I think I do.”

 

* * *

 

For the rest of the week Kylo dives into his designs, working furiously as he takes on more clients than he ever did before. Takeout food containers pile around his desk, not bothering to move unless he had to go piss or if his own stench sends him running to the shower. During two nights he actually falls asleep on his desk, his back protesting at him violently the next day.

 

_“I don’t know why I did it, ok?” Kylo snaps, not really wanting to talk because it pulled on his wounds, reminding him of how horrifying he must look now. His mother levelled him with a stare, but the blotchiness of her face gave her suffering away._

 

He tries to finish his book but opening it takes him back to the bar, and the chill that surrounded the both of them as they walked back to where Hux was staying. __  
_  
_ _“Honey, you could have talked to us, or your therapist. You could’ve talked to Poe or the others about how you felt---”_

His clients praise him for his designs and the uncommon speediness of their back and forth, but nothing cuts through in the fog of Kylo’s brain. Kylo works harder.

 _  
_ _“I don’t feel anything, Mom! I’ve felt nothing but static in my head ever since I can remember. Crashing that car, speeding along that road knowing I can finally drown out that noise? That’s what I wanted.”_

_He feels guilty after the words leave his mouth. Leia recoils, as if she was physically struck by his admission._

 

_“I just needed to know what it feels like to feel again.”_

 

* * *

 

For the first time in months Kylo wants to opt out of his end-of-the-week sulk in his corner booth.

 

_He won’t take this away from me._

 

He pushes his way through the door and takes his seat. Not a few seconds later he spots Poe walking towards him, a glass of iced tea his hand.

 

Kylo holds his hand up as Poe offers the glass to him.  
  
“I need a beer tonight, Poe.”

 

Poe frowns at his words, concern furrowing his brow.  
  
“I thought you said you couldn’t--”  
  
“Therapist switched it out again. It’s ok now.” Kylo thinks about the medication lying abandoned on his nightstand, unused since the beginning of the week.  
  
_You’re gonna have a bad time if ever Poe finds out this lie._

 

_Fuck it._

 

Poe leaves him with a slightly suspicious look but comes back with a freshly poured pint of beer. He sets it down under a coaster on Kylo’s table.

 

“So how was your night out with that ginger cutie last week?”

 

Kylo lifts the glass and takes a larger-than-intended swig of his beer, tensing at the question. Poe doesn’t seem to notice though, so he quickly replied.

 

“None of your business, and I’d appreciate it if we kept the unsolicited matchmaking to a zero from now on.” Kylo attempts to inject a humored tone into his retort, and manages to convince Poe. The bartender laughs and claps a hand on Kylo’s shoulder.  
  
“I’m sorry my friend, but I couldn’t resist. It also seems like the both of you couldn’t resist either. Anyway, I hope you had fun buddy.”

  
With that, Poe walks off to get back to the bar, leaving Kylo to get lost in his book.

 

A few hours pass and to his relief, Kylo starts to feel less tense. He’s actually progressing through his book and not just staring at the same line over and over again, like what he’d been doing for the past few days. He sets the book down and stretches a little, joints protesting at being in the same position for a long time. He looks up he sees Poe looking at him from the bar with a smile on his face. Kylo smiles back and gives him a thumbs up. Poe grins even wider at that.

 

As he settles to read again he feels a presence coming up to him and as he looks up his whole body turns cold.

 

Hux is sliding in his booth, across from him like the week before. Kylo fixes his gaze on his book, determined not to make eye contact.

 

“Darling, really. You’re making the weather have a good run for its money.”

Kylo flinches, and his reaction doesn’t escape Hux’s notice.  
  
_Hux mouthing at his skin, hot and wet as he goes lower... lower…_

  
“Don’t call me that, and I don’t recall inviting you over here.”

 

“Well I don’t recall you getting to decide who walks into the bar, that might undermine the authority of your friend over there. Besides, all the tables are taken and I want to sit and enjoy the ambiance.”  
  
Kylo can hear that infuriating little smirk in Hux’s voice, and that serves to muster up enough courage in him to snap back.  
  
“Well then just sit there and soak up all the ambiance you need. I don’t want to be disturbed.”

 

Hux is silent for a beat, and then two. Kylo pauses his futile attempt at reading and makes the mistake of glancing up.

  
Hux’s eyes are on his, want refracted into endless permutations of green and blue.

 

_Kylo gets thrown out the window and catches himself on the shards, cutting through his skin like he was made of paper._

“Now why don’t we try this again?”

 

He sees Hux’s stretching out his left hand, just past the book’s obstruction with his palm up. The warm lighting is glinting off Hux’s wedding ring, obscenely on display.

 

He looks up at Hux. A devil’s smile is possessing his mouth, and his eyes are flashing no less dangerously. Kylo sighs.

 

He takes Hux’s hand.

 

* * *

 

Kylo wakes slowly, like a gentle wave cresting over sand. He overhears Hux talking on on the phone.

 

“…yes darling I still have four days to go…”

 

“…What do you mean book the next flight home…”

 

“…You’re… twins? I’ll see what I can do. Honey that’s wonderful news I…”

 

“…Yes, as soon as I can… I miss you too, and I love you.”

 

_I love you too._

 

Kylo smiles at this, closes his eyes, and drifts back into sleep.

 

 _A gentle hand on his shoulder wakes him up, but not completely._ __  
  
_“Honey, your parents arrived. A Mr. Han Solo and Mrs. Leia Organa-Solo. Should I let them in now?” The nurse asks. Kylo keeps his eyes closed._

 

_“Give me a few minutes more.”_

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks again to [@H3llcat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/H3llcat/pseuds/H3llcat) for reading this through for me and cheering me all the way down to my angst hell.
> 
> I swear I'm not always in this much pain.
> 
> As you might've guessed the title is another [Death Cab for Cutie](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0E83Fvd5rFA) song.


End file.
